Hi everyone,

You may hear the phrase “relationships are give and take.” I was reading James Patterson’s wonderful autobiography recently, where he tenderly recalled memories of the first love of his life, Jane Hall Blanchard, who tragically passed away at a young age (buy the autobiography – trust me – it’s worth it).

His stories left me sad and with a new found respect for that phrase of give and take. It’s not just about what you give to the other person and what they give to you, it’s also about what the bad parts of the relationship mean as well.

There are many types of relationships – friendships (I’ve had one that’s lasted over thirty-five years now – thank you, Nicky); lovers; marriages; colleagues; family etc., and this applies to all of those relationships.

So let’s start with the bad.  Yes – I’ve been badly behaved. I’ve done things I am far from proud of – in marriages; in friendships; in family relationships. I’ve broken people’s hearts, and in their eyes, if not in their words, I’ve heard “Did I deserve this pain?” They didn’t. They deserved more courage from me. More kindness. More “effort” to make things work.

And I’ve had my heart broken as well – not just from lovers, but also from friends. Including one friend who completely betrayed me in a very vulnerable and difficult moment.  And each time when I’m sitting there with a broken heart and wondering “Did I deserve this pain”, I wished for more courage and more kindness from them.

But the difficult moments or heartbroken endings are what we remember – not the entirety of the relationship. There’s always good if you look for it.

I remember an ex using her pitiful salary at the time to take me away for the weekend to Amsterdam early in our relationship. We looked impoverished (and we were) and the concierge of the fancy hotel asked us more than once “how he could help us” as we entered the lobby.

I remember the friend I mentioned earlier picking me up on the back of his motorcycle during the New York blackout of 2003 and driving me back to my car 20 miles away when all public transport was down.

I remember Tuesday afternoons making love, consumed with the passion of the new. I remember being consoled by now long forgotten colleagues when dealing with family addiction. I remember receiving a gift of painted figurines that my 12 year old brother had spent weeks doing (which I still have).

It’s what we “take” away from relationships in helping us grow, and what we “give” to relationships that helps the other person grow that forges us into who we are. If you accept the bad – in yourself and others, as well as remembering the “good” and the “final”, you’ll realize how much each relationship leads you to where you are today.

Much of my writing explores these relationships. Flawed. Earnest. Sometimes deceitful. Hopefully with a center of love.

Think of a good memory, Or even a bad one, from a relationship past. Thank someone for giving it to you.

Thank you, Noel, for giving me a ride to my car when I needed it.

David